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Warning: advice may be brutal and sassy
The Dilemma
Daniella (she/her) l 24 l Lesbian l Manchester
I’m sexting a girl who is taken and it’s breaking my heart – I really like her and want something from this. She’s funny and bright, I’ve never met anyone like her. I want her to be mine!
What do I do?
The Response
Hi Daniella,
How much do you value yourself?
Seriously, how much do you love yourself?
Do you care for you? Do you care for what you’re worthy of?
I’d really like you to read my article today, then go away and chew over those questions.
I’d like you to do some introspective work to explore your self-worth, and how much you really value you. Because I don’t think anything I’m going to say today will resonate, until you’ve done that work on yourself.
I'm being serious...
I think you’re selling yourself short.
I think you’re putting a lot of weight to this person, putting them high on a pedestal, without considering your own virtues. You seem funny and bright to me, why should you not have someone chasing you?
Why should you not have more than ‘sexting’?
It’s easy for the person in a relationship to be their playful selves on text with someone they aren’t committed to. Many do it as a form of escapism from their actual relationship – maybe things aren’t going well for them right now, or they’re feeling they’re lacking something from the relationship, and so they make small ventures into the single world again. (It’s not cheating if it’s just texts, right?) Wrong!
Relationships can be tough; when things aren’t going well with the person we love, it can take a toll on our physical and emotional energy. So these people look outside the relationship to give themselves a quick dopamine hit; the exciting rush from the freedom of single life. Flirting with others. Being desired.
This makes them seem funny, bright, light-hearted. Traits we find attractive when first messaging someone.
The truth is, it’s a weakness these people have. Not a strength.
They aren’t strong enough to deal maturely with their existing relationship.
They aren’t strong enough to honour and respect the person they’ve decided to be with.
Worse still, they bring their mistress along for the ride; not caring for their emotional needs either (ie, you Daniella).
These people can be chaotic, disruptive, and worse case scenario – toxic.
They’re caring only for their own needs, and not caring for who they upset in the process.
But relationships don’t work that way – when we enter a relationship, we do have to care about the needs of the person we committed to, including when things get tough. Even when things are falling apart. Even when we feel that the relationship is over now and none of us have the courage to end it.
Until that relationship is ended, no person in it should be on dating apps, sexting others, or trying to find a route out that doesn’t involve ‘having a grown-up conversation with the person you’ve loved during the relationship’.
I think you deserve better than a sexting relationship ... who isn’t offering you anything short of a digital shag
The truth is, Daniella, I don’t think this person sounds at all funny or bright.
I think this person sounds quite selfish.
I think this person sounds quite weak, and unkind.
And I think you deserve better than a sexting relationship with someone who isn’t offering you anything short of a digital shag.
I think you deserve someone who wants to offer you a real relationship.
I think you deserve someone who wants to offer you physical touch, human attachment, real sensation.
I think you deserve someone who wants to offer you emotional maturity, emotional connection.
Someone to come home to in an evening, someone to wake up to in a morning.
Someone who wishes you a good day, and gives you a kiss good night.
I think you deserve a sentient being.
And one that is simply single.
My Final Thoughts
My parting sentiments, Daniella; I encourage you not to be doughy eyed over the ‘seemingly light-hearted and beautiful souls’ who are in existing relationships, and portray themselves as ‘high-quality, relationship material’.
These people tend to go from relationship to relationship, usually with a questionable cross-over period if you look at the math closely, because they need a relationship to make them feel valid. They’ve got good at portraying themselves as relationship material because it’s their survival strategy, which they’ve been practicing year on year.
They’ve got good at being chameleons; changing their skin to adapt to the latest situation.
Do you know who the best people are to be in relationships with, Daniella?
The ones who don’t cheat.
The ones who don’t lie.
The ones who aren’t sexting others.
The ones who, when the relationship is ending, look you straight in the eye and say ‘I’ve loved being in a relationship with you and growing with you, but the relationship is ending now and I’d love us grow in new ways, separately, and hopefully one day soon be friends’.
Because that’s what being in a relationship means – that even during the hardest times, and darkest days, we honour and respect the person who we committed to loving and cherishing.
You deserve that same kind of relationship, Daniella.
Never settle for anything less.
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