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Warning: advice may be brutal and sassy
The Dilemma
Ahmed (he/him) l 33 l Gay l London
I’ve put weight on recently as I’ve been having a hard time at work and struggling to get to the gym.
Days I’m not in work I should be at the gym, but I’m too mentally tired to go.
I’m eating more at my desk (maybe I’m comforting eating, I don’t know), and not getting time to cook proper meals so I’m not eating the healthiest.
I know I’ve put weight on and I’m not looking the greatest I’ve been, but I really wish my boyfriend would stop calling me fat. I know he’s joking, but it’s really getting me down. I know I’m being overly sensitive and he’ll tell me to stop taking everything so seriously, but it doesn’t help me when I’m already feeling stressed with work.
I don’t know, maybe I just need an outlet to rant than receive advice from you. I know there isn’t much I can say to him. I think sometimes we just want someone to make us feel good, right? And maybe I’m stupidly looking for that from you…
Am I too sensitive?
The Response
Hi Ahmed,
Lovely to hear from you, you beautiful soul you.
It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on at work right now, but hopefully it’s sending you places?
Long hours in the office and large contributions to a company deserve recognitions, rewards, and career growth. Make sure you’re receiving plenty in return for this emotional endurance you’re contributing to the company 💚
Confused I opened with a conversation about your career?
I’m giving you the emotional support you likely need after a long day in the office, or long few months working hard. Some simple validation to say:
‘I see you.
I see how hard you’re working.
I see you’re grafting right now.
I see you’re investing in yourself, and your career, with a hope to grow higher than your current situation
And I think that’s pretty inspirational! 🙏🏻
Does your boyfriend say this to you Ahmed?
Does your boyfriend step in to commend your career aspirations?
Do you feel he’s your cheerleader?
Only you know the answer.
The agenda
I’m afraid this might be a long one today, Ahmed.
So I’ve given you an agenda, in case you want to pick and choose what to read (but personally, I recommend reading it all):
✨ It says more about him and how he values others
✨ Your boyfriend has a duty to emotionally support you in tough times
✨ He also has a duty to love and accept you for you who are (not the way you look)
1. It says more about him and how he values others
Ah, that old saying people use when we’ve had something horrible said to us – ‘it says more about him‘
It’s true though, isn’t it. (note the full stop – this is a statement, not a question)
It really does say more about him.
It tells us that he is observing the world from an aesthetic point of view.
Though he may deny it, he is.
You see, we all have an ability to see humans as an external physical entity, or an internal self.
When we look at humans for their external, we make subconscious judgements about others’ appearances; how their hair looks today, what clothes they’re wearing, are they masculine enough, are they overweight
To the contrary, when we look at humans for their internal self, we make judgements about their interactions with the world around them; how kind are they to others, how thoughtful are they, what a selfless deed they’re doing
I would hazard a guess and say he controls more of the communication in the relationship, currently
And while no person sits solely in one camp, my observations over the years have led me to see many gay men operating from a space of judging others’ appearances.
One could be sympathetic, because on a subconscious level they’re doing this as a result of a deep dissatisfaction within themselves. They lack self-validity. And as such, they put an immense judgement on their own bodies and project those judgements onto others. In effect, they’re judging the world by the harsh judgements they feel towards themselves.
However, one could also argue no boyfriend should be belittled, and left to feel less-than, because their boyfriend has been unable to build a solid sense of self.
Which brings me onto my next point…
2. Your boyfriend has a duty to emotionally support you in tough times
Do you ever look at those perfect gay couples who have flawless looks, chiselled bodies, and high-flying careers, and wonder how they’ve continued to retain perfect aesthetics throughout their relationship?
Granted, some are naturally that good looking, but we’re not talking about them.
Most humans have to work hard to maintain such chiselled physiques, and streamline jawlines.
And often, because life is a messy, chaotic mix of life events that throws everything into disarray, for most humans, to maintain that level of perfection is nigh impossible.
So how do they do it?
A complete disregard for everything else important in life to ensure vanity remains their primary priority?
While I can’t say for sure, I’ve seen it enough that I’m confident it’s a trait within our community.
And when these men forego other life priorities to make appearances their priority, they learn to forego their own emotions, and that of their loved one around them.
When you’re going through a rough time, Ahmed, your boyfriend has a duty to emotionally support you. Not judge your physical appearance.
Regardless of how long it takes, how long the stress endures for, or how little you visit a gym – he should have your back, unconditionally, unwaveringly, and indefinitely. Period. End of. Not up for discussion.
Your emotions are not something to be side-lined for aesthetic priorities.
Capiche?
3. He also has a duty to love and accept you for you who are (not the way you look)
Yes, this point is a mix of agenda items 1 and 2, but here’s why it’s different;
Irrespective of whether you’re going through a tough time or not, Ahmed, relationships need to be built on love from a shared soul. Not shared physiques.
Point 1 was about judgements towards himself.
Point 2 is about supporting loved ones through tough times.
Point 3 is about the foundations of love.
And although we may meet someone at first for their appearance, love transcends the physical.
Love means that we recognise the other will change, grow, slim down, fatten up.
It knows we will break, bend, mould, and wrinkle.
Our styles will change, and personalities evolve.
Love is about growing with that person in whatever way that entails, because you love the person for who they are, inside and out.
Putting weight on is irrelevant to the fact.
If he loves you, he is failing to allow his love to be free of conditions.
So, that’s the analysis.
Let’s move into problem solving.
What do we do about it?
4. Communication is a powerful thing
I could tell from your writing you feel a little submissive right now.
Even while asking for help, which is what I’m here to do, you were questioning yourself for doing so. Even saying:
‘I know I’m being overly sensitive and he’ll tell me to stop taking everything so seriously’
I question, who’s language is this, Ahmed?
Who thinks you’re being overly sensitive?
Do you think this about you, or is it something your boyfriend says to you?
If taking it seriously means caring a lot for how your boyfriend speaks to you and supports you, then hell, give me a relationship like that! I want that!
I want a boyfriend who wants to feel vulnerable with me, who wants to tell me I’ve hurt him, who wants to be honest that he feels pain too. That’s what a relationship is all about!
You see, communication has the ability to build us up, or break us down.
And it isn’t unreasonable to communicate to your partner that he’s upsetting you.
But I say this assuming you don’t yet have the confidence to communicate with conviction.
From reading your dilemma, I would hazard a guess and say he controls more of the communication in the relationship, currently.
That’s not to say he’s ‘controlling’.
But he has ‘greater control’.
It isn’t uncommon in relationships for one to have a greater control than the other, especially in the area of communication. And often than not, it can be beneficial when partners have different skills, meaning one has a greater control in a specific area.
However, partnerships only work when that control ebbs and flows between the partners, usually leaning on each other’s skills for the greater good of the relationship. This is, in effect, then working as a partnership.
Sadly, I don’t get a sense of partnership when it comes to communication between you both.
5. Asking for your emotional needs to be met
Which leads me onto my final point:
YOU 🔸 CAN 🔸 ASK 🔸 FOR 🔸 YOUR 🔸 EMOTIONAL 🔸 NEEDS 🔸 TO 🔸 BE 🔸 MET
Not even can, you should, Ahmed.
You SHOULD ask for your emotional needs to be met!
Why?
Because not doing so is foregoing your own needs for another.
And that isn’t a partnership.
That’s a one-way relationship.
And we’re not about that here.
Strangely, as humans, we aren’t great at expressing our needs for emotional security.
Many can’t identify what their emotional needs are, let alone ask for them to be tended to.
But I think you do know what your emotional needs are.
And I think you know you’re not getting them met.
So we don’t need to teach you what to say, how to say it, or when to say it, Ahmed.
We just need to give you the confidence to step up and freaking do it! 💙
So here’s your sign:
GO🔸 AND🔸 ASK 🔸 FOR 🔸 YOUR 🔸 EMOTIONAL 🔸 NEEDS 🔸 TO 🔸 BE 🔸 MET
…now!
My final thoughts
I think you sound wonderful Ahmed.
You seem bright, balanced, and like you care for a greater purpose in your life.
These are really beautiful traits that boyfriends should be in admiration of in their partners.
You have a duty now to help your boyfriend see this, and shift his mindset from aesthetic judgement, to soulful admiration.
And if he can’t do this, then you need to question if his judgement hinders your evolution as a human being.
Deep, right? It’s all true though.
So, in the nicest possible way, stop moaning to me about it, and go get telling the man you should be communicating with what you want from him, how you want it, and when he’s going to fix.
And don’t take no for an answer!
Peace & Love x
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